Shards

19 08 2007

(this was posted in Friendster on Apr. 2, 2007)It’s hard. It drains every ounce of what I’m trying to convince myself as a life.

We went through this before. It lasted for almost a year. I even got into another complicated relationship just to get over it all. But we got back together. Everything else, common sense and conscience, fell into oblivion.

Now it’s finally over. It’s the right thing to do. And for the first time in my life I’m totally devastated. Serves me right for having taken relationships lightly since time immemorial. God, I’m in pain and I can’t even pick the right words to describe it. I’ve been wanting to blog it all out just to make it a little bit less painful. But I’ve been robbed of words or even thoughts. It hurts like hell and I can’t find anything to rub on it. Bawling my eyes out doesn’t even help.

For weeks, I’ve successfully convinced myself that I’m a zombie. Until now. Until I’m all alone and the truth just hits me right into my stomach. And it’s excruciatingly gut-wrenching. A million and one times I’ve considered slashing my wrists, taking all those pills, drowning myself with alcohol and whatnots. There have also been hell-hath-no-wrath-than-a-woman-scorned moments when I have plotted a gazillion of ways to hurt back. But I’ve no strength left and all I want to do is just sleep. Because sleep takes away the pain somehow.

My mom’s a huge help. She lets me be. She knows I’m not ok and she knows why but not entirely why but she lets me be. And she’s my only thread of sanity. Everything else is just nuts. And I’m a basket case.

It’s been a month now and somehow I hoped it was going to be at least an iota of an ounce better. But no, and I’m starting my sentences with conjunctions. I’m not ok and I’m on the outside limits of not ok. And it feels like it has just begun.

I didn’t want to stay. I left. I chose to leave. It’s the right thing to do. It’s supposed to make things a whole lot better. But it doesn’t. And I’m not happy. Far from it.

And I just want to be alone. The coldness of my solitude keeps me warm. I am warm. I’m not really sure. I can’t tell one from the other.

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