Need to Be Bold

19 03 2012

At this point, I know I’m already just being silly.  I got hurt, I hurt her, we fought, we broke up, we shattered each other’s dreams. But how do you let go of something that you are convinced is meant to be?

I messed up.  In ways I cannot quantify.  I have my reasons.  Most of them, are my own mistakes.  But when you love someone, couldn’t you also understand that she needs to go through something the way you do? Some of them mistakes, are not mine, but they were major roadblocks that made the already-scared and hesitant me stop and slack off some more. On hindsight, I should have fought on and pushed forward.  But how could I have done that when I felt betrayed and hurt?

Now I reap what I planted. I did not deserve the small things I wanted because I wasn’t able to do anything about what she wanted.  And I couldn’t tell her, I didn’t feel compelled to do anything when I was still struggling with my own personal issues of forgiveness.  I was grieving too!  But she need not hear all those anymore.  It was painful seeing her go through having to rehash every single detail.  I forgave her and for that, I should have moved faster.  But I just couldn’t. At that time, I just couldn’t.

I want her back in my life.  But I also need to feel valued enough.  And most importantly, I need to know that she trusts me enough to give me time to sort out what I need to sort out.

But this is my truth… it’s all over.  And while her messages every day make me smile and feel warm, I know I should no longer misread it as her wanting me still or back.  She told me before she’ll always love me but being in a relationship with me was not something she looked forward to.  We pushed it and it ended on an ugly note, yet again.  I wanted to tell her I still want to do it but I know she’s no longer really interested in that.  She just wants to love me but keep me at a distance. A safe distance.  And that’s not for me.

It’s really over.  And as I’ve said many times over, I should move on.

But my entire being still wants to be with her… So God, please intervene…

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