24 04 2015

I never gave it much thought because I just went ahead and did it—freefall.

I continue to fall further.  I have no fear until I have gotten so far too deep into the plunge.  I have come to realize that while the fall is everything that I could ever have hoped for, I will eventually reach the bottom.  And when I do, I will be shattered.  And by then, there won’t be any chance of healing.

But what scares me most was not the full stop.  It is that big realization of how far I am willing to go for someone.

One great fall.  The one great fall.


It’s Time

22 02 2012

I usually process things around me fast.  I’m too self-aware for my own good.  But it took me quite a while to just accept defeat.

I already lost her.  And I could no longer get her back.  Because she doesn’t want to be with me anymore.  She’s convinced that she’s indeed better off without me.  She’s too hurt to even care.

Can’t say I blame her. Our track record isn’t exactly immaculate.  I’m definitely not one she’d want to get back with.

Despite myself, I want her back in my life.  For a million and one reasons, I love her.  But I have to let her go.

There was a time when I did many things to win her back.  Begged her, sent her messages even when she ignored me, stayed with her even when all she said she could give was friendship until we got back together.  But perhaps that wasn’t really what she needed.  She’s a good person and she deserves someone better.  Sadly, I’m not that person for her because she doesn’t find it in her to want to bring me back.

I saw a path with her and even when I didn’t know where it was headed, I took it anyway.  But loving someone doesn’t mean suffocating that person with my love.  Love is supposed to be given freely.  She doesn’t want to give me the small things that I need and I couldn’t give her the small things that she needs.  No one’s budging.  So it’s time to just go.

I’m back to closing cycles.

I love you, M.  My heart will forever sing songs of love for you.  This is my last stop.  Because no one will come close to you.  You were and will always be my only exception.

Goodbye, ma belle fleur.


21 02 2012

What am I still doing here?

You obviously don’t want me around.

You probably did not even notice my absence.

But I stay here and look at you with longing, fighting sleep and holding on… the way I do with my last cigarette drag…


20 02 2012

With you, I never had to play it solo.

Big Girl Panties

19 02 2012

I’m a strong person who takes the upper hand unknowingly just like that.  The romantic in me longs for a partner who can make me go weak in the knees and bow down.  A huge part of me just wants to submit to somebody who will take the wheel and drive.

I found one such person.  But I guess she has too many issues to even bother with my needs because hers outweigh mine.  She doesn’t believe it but I’ve always put hers in front of mine for as long as I could.  Epic fail for the most part but I’ve always tried.

I have a huge platter of issues myself.  But because I talk the loudest and kick the hardest, I seem to be the stronger of the two of us.  Sometimes, I feel like having a gentle touch or a soft whisper are not parts of my genetic makeup.

I am rough and harsh.  I can hurt people at the slightest turn.  But I’m also overly sensitive so it doesn’t really make sense.

I know I had to move on and long for someone to come along for whom I don’t have to cut my talons because she can already take care of herself.  But then again you don’t really want to hurt the one that you love and even if unintentionally you just do, you still wish you can control it.

So I guess I should just be alone.

And I hate the sound of that but sometimes, you just take it.  Big girl panties and all.

Small Things

19 02 2012

Perhaps it really was time to finally let go.

We tried far too many times to rebuild and take detours.  It just wasn’t working.  There were just far too many nonnegotiables.

She’s all about the big things and blanket statements.  Big things that seem to give license to not take care of small and seemingly menial acts.  Blank statements that give assurance of a smooth-sailing journey without the need to even talk about the stops, the bumps, and the one-offs.

I am, on the other hand, all about the small things.  My reason: if you can’t even take time to make sure you take care of the small stuff, how can you handle the big things?

For some reason, I can make allowances for the big stuff.  My capabilities to understand major pitfalls, shortcomings and oversights–even those that were not too unintentional–are quite expansive.  But the wick gets a tad too short when it comes to the small things.

I’m a physical and touchy-feely person.  A hug can solve pretty much most of the world’s biggest issues for me.  I’m also a hopeless romantic, whose notions of love and romance are pretty traditional contradicting my other libertarian and radical principles.  I’ve mentioned this somewhere in my blog but I can no longer remember where–women always love flowers and to me, along with hugs, they just do it for me.

Being in a long-distance relationship is awful.  When you’re close to 8,000 miles apart, it’s terrible.  So you make do with what you can do because you can’t possibly hang on to something for over 2 years despite the turbulence here and there if you don’t love each other.

In this day and age, relationships are supposed to be easier.  We have online gateways.  But what happens when there’s an earthquake?  Or when you are trying to cope with the loss of a family member where you cannot go on video call or are practically offline? You take the traditional route and make sure you can be within reach by phone.

On special occasions, you make do with “talking” through any means possible because it’s humanly impossible to go on a date to watch a movie or do anything physical together.  So what can you do?  I’m also a girl.  I want flowers too.  And I want to be the first person that she greets on Valentine’s Day, with the difference in timezones in mind.  And because we’re relatively new, I feel special when my partner remembers the starting date of our relationship month on month with me, especially if she picked the date.

Having to deal with the frustrations of not being together at the moment and then having to deal with things that are disregarded because they are not as important to the other person as they are to you is ultra-devastating.

Love will always be there.  Especially when the person you’ve given your heart to is your soulmate–one person that you just know was meant for you.  But being in a relationship with that person just doesn’t cut it.

I haven’t crossed 8,000 miles to see her.  And it’s my issue.  Every time I say I didn’t get this or that, I have to hand slap myself because I may not have gotten flowers but I haven’t gone out of my way to see her either.  I haven’t made that ultimate sacrifice yet. But for how long will I suck things up because I haven’t done anything?  Isn’t being in a relationship all about doing things for your partner without expecting anything in return?  Don’t you just go all out for the person that you love?  It’s paradoxical because you don’t want to be in a one-sided relationship.  At some point, you too have to be at the receiving end.  I guess it boils down to when you notice that you really don’t get anything because your partner clings on to the idea that she has already made that major investment to see you so she can overlook simple gestures, like making sure her phone can reach you when you most need her, and you feel bad about it, it’s all right to yelp.

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  Sure there are wonderful times.  But when the weight of the painful small oversights gets a little bit too much, you give in to your humanity and just say, I give up.

Nevertheless, I long for something… deep within me, I wish I’d wake up to see flowers at my doorstep.  Or a note saying, “Come home.”

But then again, I’ve always been just a dreamer.

Four Hours

28 03 2011

I watched the minutes pass by.

I felt every squeeze and slice.

I heard every spatter.

My heart was in bits just like that.

But I know I had it coming. I waited because I knew that sooner or later, she would just give up.

Not because she no longer loves me.

Not because she doesn’t want to be with me.

Because until now, she’s scared: of love, of life, of me.

I am a pain in the ass.

But then again, we already know that.

Despite such, I’ve made a conscious effort to tone the PITAness down. For her.

I’ve never really made such effort for anybody else. Just for her.

Because in life, we find people to love and people who love us back. They make us happy and we make them happy. But rarely do we find that one person who make us realize that fairy tales were inspired by real life stories and that while getting there would cost an arm and a leg and then some, happy endings MAY come true.

And she’s that. My one great love.

And I lost her.

So yeah… it’s been four hours now and the tears continue to flow.