Freefall

24 04 2015

I never gave it much thought because I just went ahead and did it—freefall.

I continue to fall further.  I have no fear until I have gotten so far too deep into the plunge.  I have come to realize that while the fall is everything that I could ever have hoped for, I will eventually reach the bottom.  And when I do, I will be shattered.  And by then, there won’t be any chance of healing.

But what scares me most was not the full stop.  It is that big realization of how far I am willing to go for someone.

One great fall.  The one great fall.

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I Just Can’t

25 09 2013

It is heartbreaking.  An understatement.
You just don’t know how painful it is to be loved by somebody who refuses to make me a real part of her life. Because you have never been rejected the way you have rejected me over and over again.  Because I asked for more.

I miss you.  It is a major struggle not to reach out to you.
Every day, I look at our WhatsApp exchange and look at you.  You log in every now and then.
But never to talk to me anymore.  And it always breaks my heart a little more each time.





Attraversiamo

13 03 2012

This Italian word became a global byword because of the movie Eat, Pray, Love.  In English, it means “cross over” or “Let’s cross over”.

In our lives, sometimes we just have to move forward and embrace new beginnings.  Every day, something beautiful bursts forth. But we keep holding on to the past.

The term—well, its English counterpart—is also used to refer to ghosts who supposedly do not go into the next dimensions (depending on their religion, I reckon. :P) because of unfinished business here on earth.  So they don’t “cross over” yet.

I’m at the stage where I want to pass through.  But a huge part of me just wishes a huge and important part of my past crosses over with me.

If only throwing away the baggage of pride and misplaced tenacity is also that easy, the world would have been a better place. *sigh*





26 02 2012

Relationships are not competitions.  You don’t keep scores.  You’re supposed to be on the same team.





It’s Time

22 02 2012

I usually process things around me fast.  I’m too self-aware for my own good.  But it took me quite a while to just accept defeat.

I already lost her.  And I could no longer get her back.  Because she doesn’t want to be with me anymore.  She’s convinced that she’s indeed better off without me.  She’s too hurt to even care.

Can’t say I blame her. Our track record isn’t exactly immaculate.  I’m definitely not one she’d want to get back with.

Despite myself, I want her back in my life.  For a million and one reasons, I love her.  But I have to let her go.

There was a time when I did many things to win her back.  Begged her, sent her messages even when she ignored me, stayed with her even when all she said she could give was friendship until we got back together.  But perhaps that wasn’t really what she needed.  She’s a good person and she deserves someone better.  Sadly, I’m not that person for her because she doesn’t find it in her to want to bring me back.

I saw a path with her and even when I didn’t know where it was headed, I took it anyway.  But loving someone doesn’t mean suffocating that person with my love.  Love is supposed to be given freely.  She doesn’t want to give me the small things that I need and I couldn’t give her the small things that she needs.  No one’s budging.  So it’s time to just go.

I’m back to closing cycles.

I love you, M.  My heart will forever sing songs of love for you.  This is my last stop.  Because no one will come close to you.  You were and will always be my only exception.

Goodbye, ma belle fleur.





Shutting Down

21 02 2012

Contrary to popular belief, people can be like gadgets.  We have our own switches.  And when things get too overwhelming, we shut down.

The sad part is that when other people shut down on us, we emulate that and do the same.

So what happens next?  Nothing.  Except for a vicious cycle that simply refuses to end.  Because we let it.





Lingering

21 02 2012

What am I still doing here?

You obviously don’t want me around.

You probably did not even notice my absence.

But I stay here and look at you with longing, fighting sleep and holding on… the way I do with my last cigarette drag…